How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
