i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
