so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
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They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
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Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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