i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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