If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
