did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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