go do what you do best...puke behind churches
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
