I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
