I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
