how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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