just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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