dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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