I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
