My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
