I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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