Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
