Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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