At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
you had me at cake vodka
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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