somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
