i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
