I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
