My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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