Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
