I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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