best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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