so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
