apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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