i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
