She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
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i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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