My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
