I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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