last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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