U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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