So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
