i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Randomize
