can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
