I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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