the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
