There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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