I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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