woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
