Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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