I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
it's great music for shaving your balls
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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