why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
