Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Drunk is not a location!
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