Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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