the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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