my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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