I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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