Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
