I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
