the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How external is "for external use only"?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
