I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I pour the whiskey from now on
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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