Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
