Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
