Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
