trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
