ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
